Miscellaneous Inhabitant of Infinity

2003-03-25T00:50:00.000-08:00

-but on the bright side, ladies and gentlemen-
i'm alive.
and so are you, reading this now.
so clap for a while, haha.
;-)

2003-03-25T00:48:00.000-08:00

hmm. i dunno whether i'll do too well this semester.
chinese philo is going good, history 101 is keeping me alive too, and sociology is interesting.
geog 101 .. i've skipped too many lectures. sian. and my project isn't exactly an exemplary attempt at academia.
the SEA industrialization one.. that's gonna be a tough one.

but oh heck, i've been working on quite a few essays and projects lately, and i didn't know i could meet those deadlines. somehow makes me fulfilled, in a way, or am i imagining that i am fulfiled just because i'm doing work? i am easy to manipulate. haha.

2 more essays and 2 more presentations for these 2 weeks, then time to begin revision.

2003-03-25T00:43:00.000-08:00

random poem scribbling mode.
revvin' up to do some writing.

-
begin
-

The hammers of your thousand whispers
strike this drunk fool
trick him
into imagining
he has a mind.

The hollow reeds of my dreams
unshaped unheld uncontained.
For lack of a name, for want of form,
i delude myself, and
name them you.

i knew you not - and you cared not.
intoxicated by fear
blades waver and flit uncertainly
masks gather and fit unwillingly
all to join this dance of ours, love.

-
end
-

2002-10-31T03:27:00.000-08:00

I was dreaming again.

I was all alone again, rotting in that dank, forgotten dungeon, with the walls wrapped around me in a tight death grip. I had no proof that I was alive, that I existed at all; the only things that marked my continued presence in the cell was the stench of my filth. It was the stink of my body's wasted remnants, the stink of apathy that chokes my guts up into roiling fits of despair, the stink of metal that accompanies the manifestation of my mind's children.

My faithful children, who have served me as my only companions in those ten years of misery. They were my sole friends, my boon companions, my nurses, my lovers, mine to toy with and to shape, gears and pistons, teased forth into delicate perfection through my fevered manipulations.

It was my lovely children who had gotten me condemned to this life - what had the Qadir's court called me?

"Sorceror. Witch. Heretic. Hell-summoner!"

Ah, those names.. those barbed words, spat forth with venom, flung by the gentry, as the superstitious peasants, less skilled in verse but in now way lacking of vitriol, flung their stones and rocks at me.

They named me a witch, and branded me a slave, and threw me into the deepest pit they could find; perhaps, in their cruel humour, they left a dish of water next to my broken body, for me to wash and drink from. The fact that my arms were shattered by the peasant's rocks seemed to be of little significance to them...

As was the fact that I was indeed a witch.

My children that I brought forth and weaned upon my mind's energies saved my life as they nursed me back to health.. and perhaps they saved my life in other ways as well. The superstitious Persian nobles and guardsmen all had no wish to be cursed by a sorceror whose death they had caused - the manifestation of my children seemed to have bought me the assurance of my continued life, at least. Food and water was brought, and I slowly regained my strength, and plotted revenge. The fire of vengeance burnt out shortly afterwards, as I realized that despite my power, that despite my healed frame - the nobles were never going to let me out.

I was hale of body, strong of mind. When I die - it would be of natural causes - and not from their neglect.

Their souls were protected, their consciences fortified, against whatever death-curses this lowly witch could inflict.

And I rotted slowly.. wishing for death, but unable to kill myself, unwilling to smear the arms of my beloved creations with my gore. They had spent the better part of a decade bringing me beyond death's grip, and I would not taint their deeds by forcing fraticide upon their innocent hands.

I, Faris Al-Jadan, it would seem, was destined to live at the mercy of a fleeting dream, and to die upon that same mercy as well.

That dream has finally caught up with me.

2002-09-13T11:24:00.000-07:00

hell. i wanted to take the bus 36 to watch the streets of orchard, to see the people in the city heart, to observe - and there're places to go study there as well.

but no. the town centre's another hot bombing target.

(Ok, admittedly, it's not exactly the prime time slot... but hey.. paranoia takes no prisoners, yeah.)

so in the end, i walked home from the Airport.

no, i'm not feeling whacked out or anything now. please don't drug me. :-P

2002-09-13T11:21:00.000-07:00

hi. guess i hadn't been able to post any fiction online lately, between school work and the LARP matters, i haven't been able to get much free time to myself at all.

Thought i'll just throw in an update now.

Last night, i was having a meeting with some of the LARP guys regarding some storyline resolution matters at the Airport, and I was originally planning to stay at the airport to do some studying of my geopolitics and genetics modules. Meeting ended at around 11 pm, so i settled down to study after that.

At around 12:30 am, i got freaked out.

I suddenly remembered it was the 12th of September, and that there were soldiers walking about, manning the place. I could see the TV screens, with the news feeds of the world moving in its lumbering sublime complex glory, and i was sitting at the Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf, sipping tea.

On the table in front of me, there were a few books on the nation-state, on how terrorism and the rogue-state have shifted the new geopolitics into focus. And i wondered -

"will i get blown up tonight?"

strange, yeah. It shook me out enough for me to clear out of the Airport, and to begin a long walk home.. Silly of me, yeah?

Thoughts you don't get every night. Paranoia, maybe. Hell, the Airport is still standing now, in one piece, and me - my instincts were just products of a paranoia instilled by - what? My own fears? The media frenzy? The lateness of the hour, playing its phantom tricks of delusion upon my mind? The subject matter I was reading?

All this time, I was looking on the "War on Terror" and our local Singaporean media's approach to it as being the cut and thrust of standard diplomatic wrangling with the New World Order of the US.. but now i felt the effects of that terror.

Terror of those who will be bombed by the most advanced munitions and armament of the world. Terror of those who think of themselves as righteous, who think of attacks upon them as being the acts of cowards. Terror of watching around and seeing the blithely ignorant world around me, and the horrible realization that any moment that it could -all- come crashing down, and that i'll be another statistic, and so will everybody else around me.

Terror, most of all, that i seem so powerless to change this course of events. That the present seems so screwed - and everyone i know is selfishly, perversely ignoring the woes of the world, and seem intent on "expressing themselves". Or something like that. Terror that i'll be living into a world with a future born from the seeds of the present, terror that ..

somehow this won't mean a thing at all.

2002-08-01T09:49:00.000-07:00

Hmm gonna start posting some character fiction for Raihan's D n D game.
the draft is being done now, and i'll transcribe chapter 1 tomorrow.
school's been great so far, and i don't fall asleep in lectures anymore ;-p

2002-07-19T10:44:00.000-07:00

i feel alive, horrendously, vibrantly alive!
you know how it is.
when the world seems full of hope, and you feel that you can overcome anything, defeat anything, or even if you can't, there's something to learn, something to do, something ... to throw yourself up against.
i never knew i had a competitive, ambitious streak in me.
now.. we'll see how far i can channel this ambition into a fighting spirit worthy of my ancestors.
Ancestors, dog-man-who-stalked-me-in-my-sleep, all of you, watch me now.

i'll make something out of this life, and influence this world.

Just don't expect me to update this blog too often :-p

2002-06-24T00:43:00.000-07:00

the fortean times has been down for 3 days running now.
why?
Charles Fort, your legacy stays alive in inspiring this young wide-eyed kid. Onwards in the search for high strangeness!

2002-06-22T01:16:00.000-07:00

Oh yeah. This is an open poll.

Currently - i am training myself in the following.

1, Research and study techniques (reading and applying some principles from books i've self-studied)
2, Topographical Navigation techniques (courtesy of Edmund)
3, Self-defence (basically keeping more alert and practising my stances/ strikes)
4, Fitness (i've started going to the gym again, whoopee.and i'm about to run again soon.)

Well, what other areas of expertise do you dudes think i should take up?

Here's the concept = shao han, international spelunking rogue scholar by the age of 30.

Please assist, thanks!

2002-06-22T01:11:00.000-07:00

i'm tired! but not exhausted yet. you haven't gotten me down...

i haven't slept in a while, and i just got out of the gym, but it was an evening/ morning well spent. Edmund was over at my place, and i was running some Superheroes game for him - he was playing a Canadian shapeshifting mutant and the fight sequences went a bit weird, but i guess at 2 am in the morning, you can't ask for too much. He then fell asleep at my place, and i couldn't manage to drag him away. So i went online, and talked to yan, somebody whom i seem to have developed quite a strong affinity for.

Was pensive and somewhat full of doubts last night, about myself, about my life - you know how it happens. yan managed to talk some sense into me, and i'm really thankful and grateful for her presence last night - i've been the one who people talk to all the time, to seek counsel and advice from. Rarely can i find somebody whom i can talk to naturally with no sense of false pretence? To the buddies who may be reading this - I value you, my friends, but sometimes it's so damn hard to talk to each other, haha. The machismo thing, the cross-frequencies as we try to communicate, and sometimes just fail to.Talked to her till 5:30 or so in the morning, then i went for a shower, and got ready to go to camp, where i was practising some punch/ kick variations from Shorinji Kempo. The concept of shapes helps out a lot - you throw a jab foward, you will need to pull it back to chamber before releasing another jab. But in Kempo, there is a Sensei, Lee Bachman, who advocates shifting the blow of your fist upwards into an oval arc, for another quick strike, instead of pulling back.

Fascinating.

Was practising some stances as well, and i'm happy to say that after a night of no sleep and general tired-ness, i can still give a straight kick up to approximate shoulder level. Still trying to practise breakfalls.. but no success. i want to spar with Edmund. he's strong and fast and tenacious, and he's got some modicum of skill. If i'm to be able to defend myself successfully in the future, i need to be able to take on somebody of his body mass/ strength/ ferocity.

Well, that covers it for the weekend. Heading down to meet Josh and Syamsul now, tonight we have some LARP thing to handle, i feel tired just thinking about the costumes i have to wear - sigh, i need to do the c-sheets too. That's a bother... but it's all in the game.

Goodbye, you all - and may you deny fate as well as fate has denied you. Ta.

2002-06-18T10:35:00.000-07:00

Events of the day :

Hostel application at NUS with Ben. Went smoothly, without much trouble. (Observe my rambling below to see how much i deviated from my original track, haha.)

Met up with Naz (whom i've known for a while from #poetry) for a late lunch/ dinner hybrid at Komala's. Had a long talk with her about stuff, discussed youth culture, philosophy, mysticism, and talked about life in general. She's quite erudite and thoughtful in her opinions about matters, which is a rare thing to observe in this day and age. Walked about the City Hall area and talked, was quite a pleasant evening overall.

Met up with Edmund at night, and he instructed me in the basics of navigation and map-reading. Was quite a trying experience for him i guess, as i was such a slow student. I'm slowly getting the hang of the basic map axes of x and y again, and hope to master it by week's end. When i'm done he can move on the next lecture. hehe.

2002-06-18T10:06:00.000-07:00

Went to do my NUS Hostel Application today. Realized all my CCA records weren't exactly in very good order, i was missing quite a lot of stuff, due to a combination of personal negligence and irresponsibility, as well as issues with my junior college then. Hopefully i get the place in Prince George's Park - the more costly and reclusive of the residences, with very little hall activities, or so i've heard.

Perfect.

I'm not going into the Uni for ...socialization. Sure, having more friends and companions on the Path would be great, and interactions/ discussions will bring enlightenment closer. I just hope i don't get eaten up into the social structure of NUS and lose track of what i've fought so far to attempt, and repeat the dismal performance of my JC days.

I hear the younger students from JCs in the Arts Fac are now bemoaning the fact that the Science Fac students can elect to go to the Arts and Social Science faculty, and are taking up the places there, and they are generally making a fuss about the unfairness of it all. I don't know if this sounds arrogant, but i've spent my entire life training for this. Becoming an Arts student isn't just about getting the points to get in, it's an approach to life and affinity for certain factors that mark your talent as an Arts student. The same also applies to becoming a Science student, i am only too well aware of my weakness in spatial/ geometrical awareness and lack of mathematical precision. That hurts my understanding of Science, and my affinity is simply not there. Yet, with the subjects offered in the Arts, i can hone my abilities and shape something out of my affinity. In a very real way, this is my life's education in all things being formally culminated into one sharp focused point.

I wonder if the lamenting students i hear have considered this before, if they have a vision of their own life. i'm so glad i failed my A levels, and that i went bugfuck up here in my head, and that i had to redo my A levels myself. It was a point where i had to decide for myself whether i wanted to make the shot or not, and here i am. I made this shot, and i have the vision of my life before me, something to chase and aspire to, something to keep me living.

The problem isn't that there're science students muscling into arts turf. The problem is that we've got an education system that doesn't encourage and nurture the natural affinities of students, there're too many students who would be comfortable doing science subjects, but they're pigeonholed into arts, and as a result.. it creates a false division of the sciences being superior and the arts being inferior, and thus we get into some self-pitying, self-arrogant shitemood. We've lost the vision, we've .. lost sight of who we are. We just take what is proffered forth, and we "learn", without "learning".

One good thing though. If this is the environment i can expect, that means the competition i face won't be much of a challenge.

Yes, i'm being arrogant now. Another 22 days left till school opens. -narrows eyes..-

Have your fun, world. I'm coming for you soon.

2002-06-18T09:19:00.000-07:00

Hi guys. haven't posted in a long while.

Agenda for Training for this Year:

Develop basic skills in striking, grappling. (Karate and Judo in NUS, plus some boxing and sparring training)
Develop basic skills in navigation and first aid. (Edmund's helping out with the nav bit and Simon's willing to teach me first aid basics)
Learn how to drive. (Driving school, of course)
Learn enough financial skills to make sense of the last few pages of the newspaper (Len's the man for this.)
Learn some computer skills, both in programming and applications. (Between Edmund, Angus, Paul Hendricks, and NUS.. i think i should have this down pat)

Adventuring's a demanding profession. :-)

2002-05-27T21:58:00.000-07:00

Hmm.

This is an interesting headline. Would love to have been there to see it.

http://www.news24.com/City_Press/City_Press_News/0,1885,186-187_1190392,00.html

Prophet revives dead man
Elize Smith
Nigerian prophet T B Joshua laid his body partially over that of a man who had been declared clinically dead more than half-an-hour before and ordered: "In the name of Jesus, arise."

A few minutes later the man, Moses Marole (76), opened his eyes.

That is the testimony of a group of South Africans who went to visit the Nigerian prophet last month.

Check it out if you can.

2002-05-22T08:45:00.000-07:00

Damn, i don't think this is getting through. Sigh, this happens to you too?

2002-05-22T08:38:00.000-07:00

ARRGH DON'T EAT MY POSTS!
DAMN YOU BLOGGER, BLOG!

2002-05-22T08:33:00.000-07:00

Hi guys. Neurotic-Shao is asleep i think, this is Bookworm-Shao. Hello, everyone! Reading is good.

Currently reading :

The Art of Fighting Without Fighting, by Geoff Thompson.

This dude's a bouncer with many years of combat experience. he's a tad disdainful of martial artists who study in the dojo - only to be expected from a street brawler who has had to deal with the crap of ten thousand scraps in the gravel vistas of the pubs of London. That means that reading this book will be a challenge for me, because i'm over-confident and i have "martial arts" placed at the top of a pedestal in my head. To be able to read this book and swallow what i "know" and learn from it will do me a lot of good.. and it's not about brawling so much as the mental and awareness aspects of danger. To be able to present yourself well, to keep alert of your surroundings and to understand the psychology of your assaulters, etc.. I won't be using a punch or kick so often as i would the social skills of surviving on the streets, so i hope to absorb this well.

Also reading :

Becoming a Helper, Third Edition

i've always found myself somehow drawn or put into the role of becoming a listener, becoming a counselor of sorts to friends and near-strangers on-line. I always feel honoured that people will confide their fears and troubles as well as their joys and happenings in me, and i don't want to dishonour that trust by being judgemental on them or being unable to deal with such matters as a true friend should. With this book i hope to learn the aspects of listening and to understand the caution involved, to not let my personal idiosyncracies affect my perceptions of others when they trust me enough to tell me about their lives. I hope i am not writing an empty platitude now, and that i will be able to learn to deal with others better.

2002-05-22T08:04:00.000-07:00

Hi guys. been busy for a while, i've been dead tired..

i met up with an ORD-ed campmate. He's working in a restaurant at Clarke Quay now, and he tells me of the fights that happen there often - the most recent one he witnessed had this Chinese National dragging the prone body of a tomboy to the wall and bashing her head repeatedly against the electrical socket-outlet, until the white walls were stained with red.

-sigh-.

other than that, we talked about old times, and it seems like time has passed us by. Speaking with him of the past brings the events of the year to my mind... It seems barely a while ago that i was in hospital, getting operated on for my appendicitis, and it seemed only yesterday when Rachel was a close friend and somebody i could trust, and speak to. It seems only like a brief moment back when i was gushing - yes, gushing - to my dearest friends Mel and Esther about -her-, and everybody seemed happy that i appeared to be in love.

And now?

Rachel and i haven't spoken for ages. Mel is in Australia, and i haven't spoken to her for a long time too, just emailed her. Esther is stressed out in her first year at JC and doesn't seem to have any zest for life anymore and nearly drowned, and i haven't spoken to her for a long time too.

Such is the Wheel. Such am i, a creature of the wheel...

And i've been screwed up with my games too recently. I'm losing my grip on playing, on running games, and i can't seem to find a focus. But i owe it to my friends who i'm running my game for, to put out a quality production -something which is worth their time to play. I lost some money from my treasury and I'm in debt, and I'm trying to find a way to make the ends meet. I can't do a clean cut anymore, and i'm tired, can't even do any reps for my workouts anymore. i tried writing and i can't focus my efforts towards making something coherent anymore. (oh gentle reader, i do pity you. :-P)

i'm tired, but i want to change. i'm just so tired. but i can't drop now - there're too many things i haven't done or seen, and too many people i haven't talked to for a long time now.

i miss you, Mel. i miss you, Esther. i will be heading into university soon, and i'm afraid you'll both just disappear, somehow or another. i miss having people to talk to. The guys are great, but i can't play my games 24/7.. and i just wish you were both well.

i'm listening to "Can't Say Goodbye to Yesterday" from the Metal Gear Solid 2 : Sons of Liberty soundtrack, and it's a bloody good song. i feel like that now.

Good night you all.... Say goodbye to Neurotic-Shao for a while, he's going off to mope and muse. Next shift is gonna be some other Shao-Aspect.. i dunno which.

2002-05-17T09:14:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow, i have to run another session - but Esther has my monstrous manual to consult for her art project. i'll have to improvise and use the other beasties from the other books.. but i guess i'll try to achieve free-form RP this time.

(stream-of-consciousness-spilling-over)

wish me luck.

i'm trivial. :-p

2002-05-17T09:08:00.000-07:00

Okay. i needed that. feel much better now.
Now i can get down to the real business of working on my blog.
:-p

2002-05-17T09:07:00.000-07:00

how much anger can i place in myself?
neek's being an absolute asshole again.

i want to quit LARP, i really want to.

it's not worth the shit anymore.

yeah, hi, everybody reading this, shao is berserk.

i'm fucking tired of being a nice guy. yeah, i'm being whiney. i want to tear my foes asunder. i want to frenzy. i want to let 'er rip.

i want to -lay off-.

So here i am. i'm laying off.

Good bye, false world. i will walk in Shadow and form my own - i reject your Amber.

2002-05-16T09:19:00.000-07:00

hi guys. haven't updated in a while.

just wanted to post these links out.

http://www.boston.com/dailyglobe2/135/metro/At_MIT_they_can_put_words_in_our_mouths%2B.shtml

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/chronicle/archive/2002/05/12/MN116375.DTL&type=science

the world is an interesting place.

2002-05-10T22:28:00.000-07:00

Last night.
i played a hunter game.
i died.
i was seating in the back seat of a car.
the ghoul drove an 18-wheeler truck right into us.
only Simon survived.
we had a laugh, and went to think of new characters over prata.

walking by.
we heard squealing noises.
a rat was stuck to a trap of cardboard and sticky poisonous rat glue.
it squealed and squealed and squealed and wriggled.
we didn't know what to do.
friends wanted to walk away.
say that it was pointless, that there was nothing we could do, that if we let it out, it would just die later, that we can't save everything.

but i walked past it when it was squealing and writhing in pain, terror, agony. i can't do nothing damn it.

(i'm just a rat too.)

so what did we do?

Raihan pulled out a bamboo pole. So did I.

i wanted to tear the rat out slowly from the glue trap

but it was stuck so badly.
its hind legs were probably broken
its tail was twisted un-naturally.
its underbelly of fur was stuck to the cardboard.
little bitsies of cardboard in there.
it would hurt. damn oh damn, fuck..................
it hurts still.

i held down the cardboard. Raihan used his pole to slowly prod the rat out. i got Lui and Simon to buy some bottled water. Maybe we could use the water to soften the cardboard and let it disintegrate the glue.

no, it didn't work.
the rat was thrashing and wailing. we managed to tear a lot of the glue and cardboard off. the rat kept biting the pole. if we let it out, it may jump out and bite us. but i doubted it. it didn't quite have enough strength. it was weak and tired, but when we poured the water down, it reawoke and squealed so painfully..

and it thrashed again. and we managed to get it off the board. tail was freed too. but the cardboard wrapping was sheathed around the rat's lower body, like a demonic sarong, like some abyssal, hellish, infernal popiah skin.

it couldn't move, but still .. Gods.. it squirmed for some sort of freedom, release. i considered euthanizing it.. but then somebody in the background said - we can do something, or we can let nature take its course.

i wanted to end its misery, but i thought i was arrogant by wanting to do so. (And honestly... i did not have the stomach to hit it when it was still squirming and screaming) in the end, i inscribed the Surmey-rite and placed it upon the floor, and cursed the trap. Hopefully, they can still hear. Hopefully, it would come and end the misery for the rat.

Walked away. Simon told me that it would be more humane to end the misery for the rat. I remembered that there were cats around the place. Cats are cruel. vicious. play with food. Rat can't run. Rat will die painfully.

I can't wait for a tenuous necromantic rite to do its work. I and Simon picked up a plank and went back.. and i ran and ran with the plank, making bystanders think i was going for a gang fight, when i heard cats growling and the rat screaming.

Please.

It was alone, the cat ran away when it heard my storming approach.

i hefted the plank to break the rat's neck, but .. still i couldn't do it. Or at least, i wasn't confident enough to do it cleanly, i was afraid that i would end up flinching, break its back and then cause it more misery. Simon must have seen the conflict in me, for he then took the plank from me, and simply broke its neck with a bash.

I looked at the corpse for a while- i thought it still lived for it twitched but Simon the medic assured me it was a reflexive twitch of the corpse as he felt the neck break, and we threw away the plank. i pray it died ... less painfully that its last moments.

Sigh.

and what was the point of that ghoulish tale? i don't know..

2002-05-09T06:23:00.000-07:00

Posted some new links.

I'm sorry for whining, people.

Added some links. Good to read the Fortean Times sometimes, kicks me out of the rut.. but sometimes the freak accidents are just so depressing.. there's something about a small kid being killed by a bullet that shot out of a gun left to bake in the oven.

what the fuck, indeed.

i hope you're all safe and happy at home.

2002-05-09T06:17:00.000-07:00

Anyway, nothing much was missed..

i feel like crap.

a friend that i care a lot for seems to be in trouble, in pain, and there's nothing i can seem to do for her.

i feel like crap. she needs her space. i think she's getting eaten up. i don't know what to do or to say.

screw silly things like games. screw serious things like life.

a friend is suffering and i can do nothing.

sigh.

2002-05-09T06:03:00.000-07:00

i had a huge long post. and it got eaten.
GRRRH.

2002-05-01T20:31:00.000-07:00

Ok, on to more "Real Matters".

( i will be placing my game stuff on this blogspot, as an easy reference for my players, and also to update people who might be interested in our antics. Some plot exposition and stuff.)

i had a long talk with Josh after watching the Spider-Man movie on Tuesday night. We caught the show at Bugis, and then walked over to his place at Toa Payoh. We went through the small alleys and side streets, and remembered the days when we would be vagrants sleeping in the different nooks and crannies of the cities, with sketchbooks and notebooks, writing and scribbling stuff. Occasionally, this other guy Ian would come along with us, and we'll draw pictures of robots, animal-men, demons, angels, all different stuff for comics and games. We'll look at the city as it slept, and we'll feel at home. Other than getting chased out by zealous hotel management as we fell asleep in their cafes at 3 am in the morning, and trying to avoid looking suspicious as we slumped down on public benches.. it was a pretty good life.

As i walked with Josh, and we talked about how life has changed and the people we know have changed, i sorta got a sense of perspective again. It's been nearly 4 years since i was warded in the Psychological Medicine Ward for observation.. and what has happened since then? I hope to say that i have grown more restrained and disciplined since then, that i've become a more responsible and focused person. it seems that i have a knack for getting in tune with people, for listening to their problems. Maybe i'm just too dumb to run away from people when they have problems, when all the danger signals are flaring up and people get the "move away from me" vibes being thrown out of every pore in their body, i'm still a deer in the headlights. But that heady rush of ... knowledge, of "false" intimacy through being a confidante.. it is a scary thing...

have i ever abused that power? have i ever abused that trust that others have placed in me?

i hope i can say confidantly, "never."... but i am not so deluded to believe that i am a perfect human being. i have drunk too deeply at times from the wellspring of trust that others have given to me, and now after 4 years, when i hope that i have cleaved the various demons of my unconsious urges and desires apart, i hope i can ascend again to being somebody whom i can look in the eyes in the mirror.

I'm sorry i ramble again. But.. the fire is within me. The sense of being able to do anything, of being alive and being unimaginably lucky to be so, the grand scope of potential that i can achieve is consuming me.. and inside, the knowledge of being utterly nothing, of being a social construct that has no real "identity", the ultimate futility of purpose in the end that nourishes me does not scare me anymore! i'm not afraid of being nothing, and i'm not afraid of doing anything. Deep inside myself.. i have touched the Void again that night, after watching Spider-Man, in the walk back.

And now i know what i can do, and what i must do. It cannot be said. be thought of, only done.. and Gods, it is a great feeling to be able to kick off my own paradigm constraints to live and die as a person again!

Quote of the Day : What would give light must endure burning.

don't know where i got that from, i think it was the Sorcerer sourcebook for the White Wolf game system that i ripped it off from. Endure the burning.. after the feast, comes the reckoning.

2002-05-01T20:03:00.000-07:00

it has been a while since i have updated.

what has happened since then?

First Off - Game Matters.

i have ran one disastrous D n D session for my player and ended up killing off 3 of the players in one fell swoop.

Have had to think about my running approach for the game since then - it seems that the common complaints about my game are that it is too martially oriented, and that sometimes the credubility of things seem to be strained as high technology is thrown in together with funky magic.

Oh well, this is just mindless blathering about something that doesn't even exist in real life - but the emotions and issues between people that play the game are all too real. i am losing focus from my role as a teller of tales, and i will have to work on the presentation and my spirit to regain the themes i have lost.

2002-04-24T10:58:00.000-07:00

Update -

Finally added Josh, MiCCa, Electrin to my blogspot links.

Remember, guys, use the method that seems least well planned, cos there'll be little planning against that too.

Why use skill when you can trust incompetency, which is so much more reliable?

Ta.

*explains why i failed A levels the first time... starting school soon, not good, not good..*

2002-04-24T10:51:00.000-07:00

Miscellaneous boh-liao-ness of the Day.

I figured out how to do a side kick that leads into a mae-giri straight kick on the recovery, and am beginning to understand the mechanics behind linking a roundhouse kick with the momentum involved!

Ok, i still need to spar in real terms to train myself for real situations.

And oh yeah. Need to plan for the Galaxynet #poetry channel Grand Outing for all the old regulars again, it seems that all the old soldiers are coming out of the woodwork!

Will keep you all updated. Hopefully i won't fall down the next time i try my kicking combinations.

Ta!

2002-04-24T10:47:00.000-07:00

Work Related Stuff:

Got pissed off in camp today. A Lieutanent passed away in an unfortunate accident while serving in a flight wing in France and the affair was deemed to be worthy of a full military funeral, and hence we have to send some of our men down to support this event, as street-liners etc. The breakdown of the manpower needed was one man per section, and the trouble came when this officer refused to release her men to assist in the funeral. She squirmed and tried to sow dissent among me and my superiors by citing various reasons why she cannot let her men down, and why my superiors never attended these sorta functions, and then slammed the phone down on me. Didn't lose my temper then, and tried to work for a compromise, then called her again, she put down the phone on me after saying that she'll consult *her* superior. Didn't lose temper, talked to my direct superior, a Major. Called her with directions from the big boss to send a man down, and she squirmed around technicalities and in the end, she managed to get my junior down to go for the function instead. He's my staff member, but technically his position falls under her admin in a vague, dubious way.

I tried to talk to her to change matters, for my junior was taking his off day on the slated funeral date. She told me to go speak to the junior myself, and i did - he had already made arrangements with his girlfriend, and so i advised him to address his problems to the officer.

He walked to her office ( it is approximately 20 minutes walk from our place ) and tried to explain. She told him that it was a direct order, and that he had better understand military law.

Bastard. Bully. i feel like shit. and the worse thing is, i want to go in his stead, but i can't. My grandpa passed away recently, i cannot go to any funerals this year because of an ancestral geas.

i felt crappy and angry at her, and felt that i had let down my junior in a terrible way. sigh.

2002-04-24T10:36:00.000-07:00

Game Related Stuff:

Finished designing the visuals and background statistics of the Metal Gear Solid-inspired Special Operative team for my game i'm running for Raihan, Josh, Lui, Len, and Simon. Dead Cell is up and running! An all-psionic wetworks group that is opposing the players, a sort of counter-surgent force.

Hope they like it, and that i'm not scaring them with the team or anything *grins*

On other notes, the geography of the game is getting a bit screwy. Having trouble with the mapping, and trying my darnedest to keep internal consistency with resources and geopolitical relations. If i am going to study socio in the near future, i might as well use this as a practical experiment as a closed-system analysis of the players interacting with the different cultures.

Will need Jo's help with posting the different game stuff on this page later. Until then, the games update is :

Character Deaths thus far : Fey Flintfire, Level 5 Chaotic Neutral Elf Wizard (Raihan)
Largest Kill So Far : Tendriculos, with 117 Hit Points. It does ridiculous amounts of damage and regenerates 10 HP a round. (Josh, Lui, and Simon took this beastie out when they were level 2. Determined PCs are a tough bunch.)
Average Character Level : 4

Len is playing! I have coaxed the elusive Len into playing! Yosha!
YAY!

2002-04-22T11:22:00.000-07:00

hey, i didn't have to cry.. i guess.

i have to learn to love myself?

...intriguing concept....

*ponders...*

2002-04-22T10:48:00.000-07:00

Like some fool i live on the cliff, taking care of a flower growing below the precipice.

i nearly cried a few times, and i will later tonight.

Good night.

2002-04-22T08:39:00.000-07:00

-sigh-

i find myself betraying my own "last notes for the day".

i will have to contradict my last statement, and hope that people will forgive me for having made me feel despair in exchange for letting them laugh. i hope they will understand.

Please take care, all the same. Everyone who graces this little corner of my mind, please take care and live!

2002-04-22T08:05:00.000-07:00

Ok, last note for the day - really!

I made somebody laugh! Yay!

So the world can't be all that bad yet.

Good night you all, and take care all of you.

2002-04-22T07:52:00.000-07:00

Hmm.
brief note -

i have never smoked (neither cigarettes nor drugs) before. i suppose when i was young and asthmatic, the pipe-smoke of my grand-dad made me so sick that i grew up with both an instinctual aversion to smoke, as well as enough tobacco through second-hand smoke in my lungs to last me for quite a while.

but that theory doesn't hold. i keep finding myself being forced to go to the incineration plant and to destroy stuff in huge blazing bonfires, and the smoke got so bad my white clothes became sooty greyish, almost black.i was dreadfully sick again then, but didn't have the time to get a MC then. *hehe*

Now what else?
let's talk about what i have done.

Swordfighting!

Ok, it's just wooden swords, but it's still fun. Would go down to Temasek Polytechnic with a Japanese wooden practise blade (bokken) to meet up with my friend Syamsul (affectionately known as Ayam, or El Puello Diablo Loco - The Insane Demon Chicken).
he would use two wooden short swords (kodachi) and i would use my bokken, and we would go spar and practise...we attracted quite a lot of attention walking up and downstairs, dueling and parrying each other from one end of the stadium to the next.

:-p

ok. enough silly notes, for now.

2002-04-22T07:25:00.000-07:00

somewhere someone is crying.

somewhere, the worst things that i can imagine, that i can think of, and worse things than those are happening to somebody.
and there is nothing i can do about it.
i cannot put my head to thinking of the people who are laughing, who are enjoying a life better than i can think of..
deep down inside, i suppose i despise them. yet who am i to do so? what spiritual arrogance is this that gives me the right to look upon others and pass my judgement of emotions upon them?

Somewhere, the dead causes of countless martyrs and faddish heroes are gone, rotting in the earth. but the victims still remain. Landmines are still blowing people up, and people are still working hard both against and for it. arrgh.
can't write anymore.

i am still alive, and they are all dead, and they are all living, but me, i am still alive!

why? to find the end of that why through my hands.

maybe i can stop the somebody somewhere from crying, and find a way to bring laughter and light. *stands up and shakes head slowly...*

2002-04-21T10:23:00.000-07:00

Ok, can't add the links today. the changes didn't get saved, i will do so tomorrow.
Rest beckons.

2002-04-21T10:15:00.000-07:00

a week of MC passes and fades to an end.

what have i done in this past week?

made a fool of myself variously, and oh.. i shouldn't just keep talking about LARP. *grins*

helped Raihan with his application to Ngee Ann Poly and stuff, and did some reflection and thinking. Did some reading at the library, and found old friends again in there mugging for their exams at NUS (due in a week) - my former classmates from TPJC, Derrick and Kevin. Together with one other guy, Jonathan, we were the entire male population for our class in JC. Sigh. We were always getting out-talked in class, and somehow it always seemed in GP discussions that we were somehow held responsible for the glass ceilings for female professionals in the working world, the pain of pregnancy, war and violence, insensitive piggishness of males-that-they-have-dated, etc by the females in our class.

The ratio was 28 - 4, or more aptly 7 to 1. It wasn't a pretty sight, and so, erm, yeah, i ended up playing truant often, and spending more time preparing for drama and other stage-works in school than study.

*Observe the insensitive piggish male obviously trying to squirm away from his own responsibility in life. Sad, isn't he?*

But i got sidetracked. It's 1:05 am now, and i'm still awake. Got back from Josh's place, went exploring Yishun with him. Wasn't really much of an exploration quest - he went there to buy games for his playstation 2, and i felt a bit cheated of the trailblazing opportunities. But hey.. it's Josh, a brother-in-arms.

What else what else what else?

Oh yeah, added a few people to my list of links and stuff. First off is the aforementioned brother-in-arms, Josh. He's the guy that Jo's been trying to pimp for a while, and i hope that plan is meeting with success. Would do so, but the joker tells me he's not quite done yet. Then, there is another friend that i've just met today, Elaine, from #poetry. (Another Elaine, kit! Whee!) She seems nice, and ta-dah, another one added. *grins*

And now, i should get to bed - i have a scheme coming up, and i feel i need to get some rest to properly process it.

All of you, keep well, despite the world's propensity to not keep you well.

Remember, drink enough water, and you are all larger than life, but the world is still larger than you. You can be as fast as a speeding bullet, but don't step on the landmines. And ultimately.. take care, you all.

2002-04-20T00:54:00.000-07:00

i like the new look, it's all Jo's work, and i'm mighty obliged towards her.
*smiles gratefully*

i am at Raihan's place now.
We are wondering what to do for LARP later.

Maybe we should blow everybody up?

Nah, we're too nice.

And anyway, here's an update :
Rokugan Legend of Five Rings Game CASTING CALL!!!

1, Raihan - Crab Hida Bushi
2, Len - Dragon Mirumoto Swordmaster
3, Lui - Scorpion Bayushi Bushi
4, Clement- Phoenix Isawa Void Disciple
5, Shao - Dragon Mirumoto Bushi

As you can obviously see, we're screwed. WE HAVE NO COURTIER!
sigh..

Jo, send us your Shoshuro Saboteurs! Please!

2002-04-19T10:17:00.000-07:00

Oh yeah, something else i forgot to add.
There's a LARP session tomorrow! i can wear the druid robes that Jo sent me!
Whee! Now if only i could bring my swords to LARP...

Thanks Jo! *grins*

the wombat says hi too.

2002-04-19T10:14:00.000-07:00

hmm, sorry guys, i am not too good at all of this stuff.

i don't know how to leave a place for comments, and i don't know to set links, and i don't know how to add a mail-to address.

Hmm. guess i should learn, and i'm trying to. i guess i can slowly improve.

On the bright side, Elaine-kit has mentioned me on her blog and i'm touched that she thinks i'm a real good friend. Well, Lainey-kit, you're a really good friend too, and here's 5 big hugs for the past 5 years i've known you, since you were DeathCrow *grins* -hug hug hug hug hug!-

i just got to the library, and borrowed some books on cross-cultural communication and management techniques, probability and chaos theory, and martial arts. All of it strangely ties in with each other - hopefully with enough mental discipline and focus, i can apply the techniques within and learn to be a better person. i'm tired out after reading the section on negotiation and verbal cues and applying them; i guess all that time i spent ranting in JC didn't really make me any better at communications. But after all this exhaustion, i still felt the need to write a letter to a friend i haven't seen in a long while.. and so there i go! Just finished it and walked to the mailbox to send it off.

Schedule in the morning: Wake up and do 500 kata for kenjutsu and iaijitsu, then practise square stance techniques. Need to work on my defence, and then i will have to regain the hang of doing ukemi breakfalls. I have to steel myself for this - i can't slack any more!

I need to be a better person. I will not be a rice-eating worm, unaware of my own karma anymore.

I want to be a human being, to make this life worthwhile.

*breathes out*

2002-04-18T10:54:00.000-07:00

i am neurotic, or at least my writing and thoughts display that quality.

to be eternally wondering, and asking, and thinking, is that a good thing?

to be content and peaceful with one's lot, is that a good thing too?

Why am i such a fool, that i must demand the world to meet my standards and requirements of sense and meaning? Awfully egotistical of me, isn't it? Again i ask and i question, and only my half-baked notions and hastily-concluded ideas answer me with a resounding cacophony of "maybe hmm oh wells".

Well, i was able to focus my Will once, a while ago. When i was still in love, and when i thought the world was a beautiful place because she was around. Now she is still around, but she does not care for me anymore - her heart is with another. And i must reclaim my Will. The river flows, and i am still in the same spot - but the shifting waters around me are no longer the same.

Goodbye, ghost-that-is-shao. You lived for 5 months, and tonight.. i remake myself. No more.

Goodbye too, Rachel. You will probably never read this - but i loved you. and now - avaunt.

2002-04-18T10:42:00.000-07:00

Chronologically displaced thoughts =

There. i have been told by my parents that i should not attend any wakes or funerals this year. A geomancer told me to carry red stones on my person, and to wear more bright colours, for i have little positive "Yang" chi in my life. My Chinese horoscope is aligned towards the elements of Wood and Water, and the "han" in my name bears another strong link to Water as well - therefore he said that i would nurture others and be consumed in others. That's what my name means too, in a way. Shao Han. Eternally Nurturing Potential, roughly translated. Of course, my parents only got the geomancer to come down when i was feeling disturbed and had strange visions and saw ... things that the psychologists called "schizotypal delusions".

Now, it's 4 years down the road, and my mom has returned from the temple and the fortune she has divined for me is simple - the fortunes do not bode well for me to tangle with the Yin-negative energies of Death.

i guess i'm just rambling this out because when i was walking home just now, i passed by a funeral wake and found myself stopping and actively, consiously circumventing it through a big detour. i guess tribal taboos do link down to me. It's thursday night, which in Malay folklore is the night of the week when the veils between the worlds are thinnest, and i caught the scent of frangipani (Malay folklore again - the frangipani flower is closely linked with the pontianak, a female vampire) in the middle of the carpark when i made the detour.

Oh well. My life is full of half-truths and delusions, obsessions and ghosts of my own lingering past.

Will my aversion to death this year allow me to find my attraction to life again? Ensuring a placement of events and feelings in proper chronological sequence should help vastly.. then again, maybe not.

2002-04-17T22:00:00.000-07:00

My body is much weaker than before.
I suppose i could say the same about my mind - i cannot visualize as well as i could in the past, and willpower is something i have always felt the sore lack of.
Taking out my old grimoires, diaries, and journals, looking at the theories i have scribbled in them and the self-indulgent nonsense that i took to be insight in my frenzied younger days... i grow ashamed.
Yet, now i cannot replicate the process - i cannot even find that one spark of insight anymore. Can i be said to have become more restrained and wiser, to be able to moderate my emotions and not lash out down the trail of sweet, easy anger and madness?
I hope that i am on the path to mastery, and by saying this - i know that i am not yet a master.